KELLY CASTELLANI, the Director of Philanthropy for Silent Tears, is a philanthropist and advocate for women and children in South Carolina. She is systematically addressing the pervasive and complex issues associated with domestic abuse and sexual assault. The Castellani family has donated over twenty million dollars to the thirty-four facilities represented by SCCADVASA, South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault, and SCNCAC, South Carolina Network of Children’s Advocacy Centers.
Kelly shares her personal domestic violence survival story by collaborating with individuals and organizations to give hope and a face to so many victims and survivors of interpersonal violence. Kelly’s work spans from increasing housing, furnishing automobiles, assisting in renovations, developing programs, and supplying financial aid for legal fees and personal assistance for survivors. She has also been involved with Miracle Hill, SASSGO, and Generations Home.
Kelly’s background and degree in finance, as well as a Clemson MBA, have been vital in her understanding of allocating funds most efficiently across state facilities and organizations.
When not working, Kelly enjoys her family time. She is active in fitness and health-related learning. Kelly is a certified health coach through the Institute for Integrative Nutrition.
Of all the homes I have visited in the Southeast, your home is one of my favorites. The renovations are stunning. What is your process for deciding design updates and renovations?
The structure of this home is fabulous and has so much character. It was my husband’s brainchild. I stripped away what I was not fond of and started with the bones of the house, which had a European feel but was not snooty. I wanted our home to be comfortable, so I looked at the places that we enjoyed and spent the most time. I tried to make them as relaxing as possible. I think it is very important for a home to be livable but also beautiful.
Growing up, there were periods when my mom enjoyed the “fancier things” like using our fine china. But there were also times in my life when we had nothing.
I think when you have beautiful things, whatever is “beautiful” to you, that is what you should enjoy . . . art, fabric, texture . . . how something looks and feels. Everyone has a distinct perspective on what they love. You should go with what makes you feel good inside, what you think is inviting to others.
When we started the decoration process, I started with one piece of art. It grew from there and went a little bit crazy. I wanted our home to reflect love and beauty and then incorporate all the things in South Carolina that I believe are represented in the people here. It is eclectic but not quirky, if that makes sense.
There are three exceptional design elements that you were drawn to: texture, color, and art. Talk to me about your choice of textures.
I do love textures that are soft, plush, and comfortable. My aunt is a decorator and when she finds interesting fabrics, she will show me. I love all types of texture, from nubbiness to coarseness. Over time, I came to understand what I loved. My mom was also an interior designer, so I grew up looking at fabrics, the way different fabrics can complement each other but not match. Fabric is much like people, mixing and matching. The textures of fabrics are to interior design, what the bones are to the house.
I love the muted color palate in this home.
Originally, this house was “huntsy,” very Ralph Lauren, masculine and horse-like. Which I think is great. But for me, I am a little more feminine. I tried to mix up the feeling with the textures. I think there is something to a fluffy blanket and sofa . . . with pillows having different characteristics. A lot of people shy away from “mixing it up.” I think you should follow what brings you joy, not what you think “a look” is supposed to be.
Let me tell you a story about these fabrics, which tickles me. So, my aunt found the fabric for those pillows over there (points) from France. We sprinkled the fabric throughout this room and then used it for a couple of balloon shades. It was where we started, with all the light blues and the green hues. The colors are very natural, but there is also a fanciness to it with the little animals. We try to find items that will stand the test of time but are also different and unique. I am not drawn to what is trending. If someone said, “This is so popular, we sold a hundred of these,” I stay away because I don’t want what everyone has. I also like a “mix.” There are fabrics that my aunt cherishes that can sit alongside something from Havertys. The result is unexpected, which I think is fun.
What makes your house so unique is that the specific style represents you. It is a style I have never seen before, but it works. Your home was redesigned with artwork. Why?
A new friend of mine is an art curator. Before I knew her, I thought of art as something on the wall, not so much as a living creation, like I do now. In the beginning, we met with artists, and I heard their stories, why they painted, how they put themselves through school, why they used certain methods . . .
Then, they would show me the phases of their life born out in their work. For instance, someone would go through a divorce and their paintings would get dark. Eventually, the artwork would change as they went to a happier spot. From their stories, personalities, and struggles, I started collecting their artwork. A couple of people passed, and I have their artwork. I talked to their children and other family members . . . I heard stories about their families and their love stories. It was interesting to me how they poured their hearts out on these canvases… then they sold the art and never saw it again.
A lot of earlier art I collected was “couple art,” a boy and a girl, or “his and her,” stories about a couple in love. We noticed the themes were always romantic, and I think it was because the art I chose represented my life. I was, and I still am, in love. You weave a lot of what you are going through into your decor. Their love will always speak to me. I see the faces of the artists when I am home and remember their stories.
I started with one piece of art, but today, we have 250 pieces from 90 artists. We held an event for artists whose work we acquired to facilitate connections with their mentors, other artists, and friends.
There are pictures of Leo Twigs downstairs. He is 92 and lives with his wife in Orangeburg. He innovated a style of painting based on the batik process. And so, when artists see his work, they comment, “‘Wow, we studied him.” It is a great way to honor the talent in South Carolina, which I do not think receives its due recognition. I enjoy standing there looking at the pieces and hope that anyone who comes to our home feels the same. It is just a neat way to give back.
Kelly with Jill Alper picking out frames for two works of art by talented painter Talon Grace.
There are two themes that I want to explore. The first is your mother, who was a designer. You told me once that I reminded you of your mom.
You remind me a lot of my mother when she was young. She was blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, fair-skinned, just a very elegant woman. She was a decorator, but before that, she tried to go to medical school and became a nurse. She went to Furman and received an art degree. She became an interior designer, so I grew up with architects and design materials everywhere. My mom loved life. But her life was not so great all the time. She died a couple of years ago after she developed a mental illness which she battled for a long time.
She never lost her sense of spunkiness and funniness, even when she did not have any money. She was homeless and lived in the weekly hotels for years. I would pick her up sometimes, and she would be fascinated by some “find” she received from Goodwill. She never lost her sense of beauty and enjoyment, no matter the situation. Collecting art is a homage to my mother.
I have had a hard life, and really bad things have happened to me. But through it all, I also found beauty in something to help pull me through. Where I am today is a much better place than my mother. She would have loved it here. I think she would have loved the fabrics, textures, and artwork. And I can hear her voice laughing at how beautiful everything is, which makes me happy. It is really hard because I have gotten everything she didn’t get, but she would love it.
My mom was the only one who loved me unconditionally. She did not abuse, mistreat, or abandon me; she just loved me.
Do you think that people who have mental health issues do so because they give unconditional love and they cannot understand the evil of humanity?
I think so. My mom was extremely smart and thought she could outwit, figure things out . . . and outcraft the situation. I think she suffered traumatic childhood damage that she chased her entire life. Some people have chemical imbalances, but I think mental illness can be self-exacerbated if a person does not deal with the demons within.
I think she is here with you, Kelly, and she knows where you are. I think she reached her peace through you.
She called me Kelly Belly and was always saying, “Kelly Belly, you just outshine them.” She always said that.
I have tried to read the little snippets she wrote, but I cannot understand them or decipher her handwriting. The little bit that I can read is scratching in the Bible. I saw that she would not leave the house because she was waiting for a call from an attorney to sue my dad. I mean, it was always something to do with my dad.
I had conversations with my mom before she died. I think she was happy and seemed grateful. She did have a stint of life that was beautiful. And then she just went off a cliff.
Would you say the last 10 to 15 years of her life were really difficult?
Probably the last 30 years. She had a hard life. She met a man who was abusive, and bad things happened. I wrote down everything that floated in my head so that I could remember my mother. I remember the way her hands looked when she rotated her ring, her laugh, wearing curlers in the car, and then spraying her hair as we choked in the backseat. I remember her telling me she was a race car driver. I have so many memories, so much laughter. I know she also had a lot of pain; she thought I would carry her life forward. Her joy was going to be through me, and she was fine with that.
You were her “everything,” weren’t you? What a huge, huge burden.
I had to cut her off for six years, and that was extremely painful. I was forced to choose between my children and my mother at that time. It was a lot. But she forgave me, I think she knew.
Of course, she knew. We all know.
She would have done it for me. But I think she is happy now and at peace. She was miserable.
You have abundant blessings juxtaposed with tremendous sorrow and pain. Is that why you are drawn to philanthropy and giving back?
Yes. I look at everybody as human beings. I do not look at appearance, money, or education. We are all human beings, and unfortunately, some are put in tragic situations. I am the same human being today, living in a massive house, as I was when my mom had no money and we heated the house with the oven.
The same holds true for people in politics and celebrities. They are just human beings “in positions.” They are no better than you or I.
For twenty years, I was in a very heavy stage of life, with a lot of loneliness. You can be very alone but be amongst people. I was teaching Sunday school and talking about love while sheltering two kids in a painful world at home filled with darkness and depression. I tried to shoulder so much alone. It was before the internet, and there was no way to understand what was happening to me because my mother brought me up ignoring abuse. She was such a happy-hearted, carefree spirit.
I didn’t understand the magnitude of evil. I thought if you just buckled down, you could love abusers and get through it. I always saw the best in people and kept praying, believing that love would win. It is not so because there is evil. There is injustice in the world that will bring you to your knees. There are people who will destroy the young and vulnerable; they have no limit. I did not understand that, and I still don’t know if I had to go through that journey to understand the evils of the world fully. I do now. I felt very alone for a long time. I had a mother who was mentally ill and a father who I did not want to burden.
My husband isolated me from every person that I had ever known. When I made new friends, I did not want to share what I was going through, so I shouldered it all. I had two young boys, and I tried to make a fantasy world for them because I did not want them to know what I was enduring. Eventually, physical abuse takes its toll. I think a lot of my physical problems are from decades of shouldering everything.
But during that time, I met lovely people who tried to help. I carried a fear of being “found out.” I read a lot. I learned a lot. I gravitated to those I could share a little bit of what I was going through at a time and then moved on. But God weaves people into our lives to keep us going, so it was bearable. But my life was nothing you want to live, either. What sustained me were my prayer journals and biblically based movies.
And so, it is particularly important for me to let women know that they are not alone; they are seen and that they have value.
What is Silent Tears?
When Bob asked me to help with Silent Tears, I had just ended an abusive relationship. I was beginning to learn about the severity of trauma and how the whole system works with women and children who are abused in South Carolina. I traveled to every domestic violence and children’s shelter in our state. There are thirty-two individual organizations represented. I tried to learn about the gaps in the system. This happened right before Covid.
These organizations serve women and children who have experienced domestic violence, neglect, and abuse.
Yes, and sexual assault. When I met people in the system and told them my story, it resonated because I was part of their network; I had sought help from Safe Harbor. I am just in a different stage of life, the same human being, just in a different scenario. It was interesting because, through my story, they found hope.
Because they saw that you were able to . . .
Get through. I think people who are in that hole, in that darkness, need hope and light, something to motivate them to take the next step, to get out of bed. There is so much darkness when you feel there is no hope. I want to give people hope. I did not think I would ever meet a human being again after my marriage. I thought men were going to be nasty, old, and gross, and I would be single and lonely for the rest of my life. I had resigned to that . . . so to find the love of my life was completely unexpected.
I want to show victims that they can start over, go back to school, get a new job, and find a new home. People will love you and treat you with respect because everyone deserves that.
The philanthropy part is simple: I am so unbelievably grateful for where I am in life. To know the unconditional love that Bob gives me, I did not think it existed other than from my mother. To know that there are people who love and give without wanting anything in return was something I had not experienced before.
What are the biggest impediments or the biggest challenges the state faces?
Our state laws were set up by men, for men. I am not bashing men because I think men are great… but our state laws need to change. The role of women is different now, and our laws need updating. We are the only state in the nation where a woman cannot get a Temporary Order of Protection.
What does that mean exactly?
Say you and I are married, and we are getting a divorce. I can get a Restraining Order for stalking, but that is not an Order of Protection, which sets the “ground rules” for women to survive, like money, access to assets, picking up children, etc. It sets parameters. But in South Carolina, you cannot get a Temporary Order of Protection until you have a hearing.
Therefore, all the mechanics needed to have an actual separation cannot happen in South Carolina unless you go through a judicial proceeding. And this is a lengthy period.
Yes, so the time lag allows people to play with checking accounts, children’s custody is undefined, and assets like cars can be bugged because they are marital property. The list is unending.
The laws need to get serious about protecting women and children (sometimes the men) during the one-year of separation. As it stands currently, women are often isolated, threatened, and harassed, and there is nothing a woman can do until the Order of Protection is awarded.
Silent Tears has given more than 13 million dollars to programs countering violence against women and children. Where did that money go?
A large part of our donations went to building the Center for Safe Harbor, a space to give dignity to the residents. We also traveled to thirty-two individual centers statewide, and though we are progressing as a state, we are not where we need to be. I think the state needs to take ownership of underserved centers, particularly those along the Corridor of Shame and/or where people are uneducated and geographically isolated, and where travel is almost impossible without a car.
To level the playing fields throughout the state has been a big part of what we try to do. We have shifted our focus from boots on the ground to literally changing the laws. I personally try to bring hope and dignity to this world, because people who endure these things are just as important as people who do not.
Kelly with Jill Alper and artwork by Rey Alfonso.
I called you one day to invite Silent Tears to participate in CatWalk FurBaby. Do you remember what I said?
Do you want to do a fashion show in New York to raise awareness for Silent Tears and compete for prize money with designers, models, and animals? It will be fun; it will be easy. It was incredibly fun, and it was fast.
It was really fast.
It was something so different and so nice to see . . . not just South Carolina participating, but the world giving to charities worldwide. There is something infectious about giving back and helping other people. I think it excites people to see what they can do with their talents while simultaneously giving back.
You had Silent Tears, the charity . . . but how did you decide on a theme, model, and designer?
The year before, you had talked to me about CatWalk FurBaby, and I thought that it was a big deal, but it was so far out of reach for me that I did not pay much attention to it. A friend of mine from Greenville, South Carolina, has a daughter who models. She sent me a video talking about a designer that she had in New York. So, when you mentioned CatWalk FurBaby, I knew both a girl who could model, and a designer.
Tell me about the model.
Cali Vu is 21 years old, spunky, beautiful, and very elegant. She said she would love to help raise awareness and money for Silent Tears. In everything I do, I try to see how many people I can incorporate into the project who would enjoy it, too.
Tell me about Cali’s family.
Cali’s mom does my nails. She is very fun, and I love her to death. She has three children. Cali is very mature because she worked alongside her mother through high school. She was very appreciative, with a “big dreamer” mentality.
What does she want to do?
I think she would love to be a model.
Who was the designer?
The designer was Alex Foxworth, who also has Southern roots. She knew where I lived, and she knew Cali. All the pieces fit together. She was delighted to design for CatWalk FurBaby, which shocked me. I showed her concepts, and we collaborated back and forth.
What was your theme for your charity, Silent Tears, and why did you select it?
I wanted the theme to be about the power of women. I also wanted it to represent strength, beauty, and grace. When I spoke with Alex, I asked her to create for a strong woman, but I also wanted the design to have sensuality and beauty. I think women can be sensual and still be strong. We tried to incorporate the ethos of Silent Tears: the quietness and the loneliness of pain juxtaposed with beauty, strength, and sensuality. She did a fabulous job. But our dog refused to wear the hat that matched the outfit. I think that is why we did not place; we lost because of the dog.
How did you tie Silent Tears into animal welfare?
A mother is the central figure in the family unit. With domestic violence, those who are raised in that environment are affected. So, human abuse trickles down into animal abuse. People who grow up in abusive homes can easily become abusive adults who abuse other people and animals. As a result, I focus on mothers and children in abusive situations because that is the most rudimentary way to protect and stop the generational curses. It is so important that we are realistic about the cycle of abuse, we acknowledge it, and then we face it head-on with all our resources.
Where does change start?
South Carolina can be a leader instead of ranking in the top five worst states in the nation for domestic violence. We must change the mindsets of our state. So, we need to change South Carolina’s laws to make victims’ paths brighter. It is an expensive and arduous process for victims, with therapy, lawyers, and relocation (to name a few). And our state’s legal system does not make it easy for them either when thought leaders have the capacity to move the needle with simple legislative changes. When I talk to people about our antiquated laws, they ask, “Now why would we do that?” I respond, “Maybe those laws worked 200 years ago or a hundred years ago, but they do not work now.”
Is there hope for change in South Carolina?
I am very hopeful because of what I have witnessed first-hand. I cannot tell you how life literally “comes back” to abused women who are out of the cycle. They often dedicate themselves to “giving back.” A couple of girls who are survivors of domestic violence are in school today to become occupational therapists so that they can go into the school system and help children who are in abusive situations. They want to be the school resource for a child of abuse.
I have watched traumatized women, hardened by their experiences, become un-hard. I have seen people who want to give up and get the help they need for a year or two, and come back to me and say, “I cannot believe I did not know that life could be this good.”
I want people to have hope, because if you do not have hope, you really do not have anything. So, for me, Silent Tears is being a friend in the silence, the person next to a victim saying, “You can do this, and I will help you.”